My little spot

2008-02-11T15:26:00.000-08:00

2008-02-11T14:51:00.001-08:00

I'm so sick of being sick

2007-03-09T13:28:00.000-08:00

Holy motha of Perl!
I was sicker then a dog on New Year's Eve. My poor Tod celebrated pretty much by himslef since I was in bed mouning and growning from a painful headache, runny eyes, and sneeze attacks.
Now this week I have a narley cough and three days later a fucked up cold again.
Ok, I'm so over it. I hit my "wall" yesterday. work sucked, my face and head felt like it was going to pop off my body at any moment, I hated the sound of anything, and I couldnt get home fast enough.
As soon as I walked in the door, I dropped my purse, kicked off my shoes and balled like a baby. My pitty party lasted for about 30 minutes, and I think Tod was just as lost as I was.... He has no idea why I was having a breakdown. Poor guy, he tried to console me but I couldnt breath and I couldnt talk. I just cried. and cried.... and kept crying.
Here's the deal, on top of a bad day, I realized im fuckin sick of being sick! I thought my immune system was supposed to be kicked into high gear now that im pregnant? BUT NOOOOOOOO.
So after my melt down I was able to spend quality time with my family and acted normal.
All is good again.

2007-03-02T13:56:00.000-08:00

So my camera battery was completely dead. On Pixie there was a close up picture challenge, but since my camera was dead, the closest I could get to my camera was my camera phone.

This is me. close up.

2007-02-28T08:50:00.001-08:00

Kira and I seem to be in the car a lot. Traveling to and from. Running errands, and lots of talkin and laughin. There is always something to talk about or laugh about. I love you little girl. Thank you for all the wonderful times.

2007-02-28T08:48:00.000-08:00

my girl. On her way to her 1st 7th grade dance of the year.

2007-02-22T11:04:00.000-08:00

Today we will know if we are having a girl or boy..
3.6.07 We're having a girl.

2007-01-24T15:50:00.000-08:00

Get Your Own! | View Slideshow

2007-01-24T15:29:00.000-08:00

On November 7th we found out that we are expecting. This wasnt what I thought I would find out when I went to the doctors that day. I thought for sure I had a cyst on one of my ovarie or much worse... Anyway. For about 2 weeks I was super tired, and had no appetite,I felt sick all the time, also my cycle was odd, but due to PSCOS, that wasnt out of the norm for me. I told my doctor I was super tired, no energy, no appetite, feeling sick all the time, and my breasts hurt..... wtf? As soon as I said that I knew in my head...... this sounds like I'm pregnant.....
My doctor told me to go to the pharmacy, they upped my perscription, plus gave me a strong birth control and wanted me to go to the lab for blood work.
Off I went to Longs... didnt EVEN go to the pharmacy. I grabbed a water, a pack of dried apricots and picked up a pregnancy test.
I didnt call anyone... just started to drive home instead of heading off to the lab for blood..... since I KNEW the doctor wasnt requesting a pregnancy test, I thought I might as well rule it out before I thrash my system with all these presciption drugs.
Got home, and by this time I had to pee like a race horse.... did the peepee dance as I tore open the preg test wrapper.....
pee'd on the stick and then waited.
Got into my jammies since I was feeling sick, and within 4 minutes I checked my pregnancy stick wich showed 2 lines, not one... which meant that I was pregnant.
I almost feel back into our shower. My knees were weak. I was completely floored.
I was told over and over it was extremly likely since I have PSCOS that I wouldnt be able to get pregnant unless I took ovulation drugs and that would give us a chance of multiple births... that wasnt an option for us. So I just sucked it up and delt with the fact that we wouldnt have children together, but between us we had three healthy beautiful girls. They make us laugh, worry, and cry.... sometimes all in the same day! But we love them and its our beautiful blended family that makes me fullfilled.
So, this prego stick that showed two lines sat in front of me on my bathroom counter..... I had to call Tod. I had to call my mommy. I had to call my friends, my job.....
I called Tod and my hands were sweating, they made my phone wet and the side of my face wet. I couldnt stand up, I had to sit on the bed. I knew if I was almost knocked over by this, Tod was would for sure fall over.
After Tod said "hello?" I told him, "well.... I'm pregnant." There was a pause, then "what?!"
Later that night when he got home, he said he almost wrecked his work truck up in the mountains! We were just in shock for days.
I knew it was a miracle and I was to leave it up to the Lord if I could carry this child full term. I had faith in whatever his plan was, that's what was to be.
After lots of tests, and lots of waiting we were told that everything looked good.
So here I am almost 4 months later. I still have no energy, and sometimes I feel as old as Elizabeth in the Bible having a child, but we are all excited and can't wait to find out if its a boy or girl.
The Lord is wonderful and has blessed us with this baby and we are extremely grateful.

At this moment

2006-10-24T10:36:00.000-07:00

At this moment my mom and her faith excite me. When I was a little girl my next door neighboor (Tanya McGire) would get on a bus every Sunday morning and they would sing going there and coming home. I waited for her to get off the bus so we could play... then one day I told my mom, Im going with Tanya. From that point on, my faith was jump started, I had a great pastor who would come visit my family, I was baptised in Fremont at the little Baptist church.

Later after having Kira, we would go to church with my grandma and aunt and Kira got to experiance the connection that I had when I was a child.

As I approched my mom about coming with us, she always brushed it off and so I stopped asking.... so did my grandma and aunt.

Over the last two years, her life has changed, her faith has changed and she has this intense fire in her that take me back. She calls me and we talk for hours about life, our journey and our family. The Lord has blessed me with a young mom who is my best friend and since we grew up together, we continue to grow and now in faith.
We attended the Crusade a few Sundays back and to see the HP Pavillion (Shark tank) completely filled, with over a thousand people trying to get in, it was truely amazing. My goosebumps got tired of having goosebumps. We left each night from Friday to Sunday exhausted and uplifted. We met great people, saw great musicians and witnessed thousands coming home.
I'm not sure what the Lord has in store for my mom but I know he's watching and caring for her.

It's time

2006-10-13T15:50:00.000-07:00

It's time for the Harvest Crusade at HP Pavilion in San Jose.
It's time to be uplifted filled up and be inspired.
It's time to laugh, hug, cry and have faith.

http://www.harvest.org/crusades/2006/sanjose/index.php/58.html

It's time

Who I am when I look into the mirror~

2006-08-23T09:52:00.000-07:00

I think I struggle with this most of all. How I view myself. What others view me as.
Who do I want to be and what do I want my child to learn from me.

Each day I have the same prayers and give the same praise. I'm highly blessed that my family is healthy, I'm blessed that I have the family and friends I have and we love each other very much. I'm blessed that God has taken me on a journey and at times I'm scared out of my mind but there he is, to always calm me down and comfort me.
So who am I?
I'm stubborn, I'm scared, I worry non stop, I don't think I'm attractive, I have crazy out of control hair, I'm self conscious and I believe I can be very mean. I am insecure, i route for the underdog, I have crazy anger, I find humor in the funniest and oddest of things, I have complete compassion and I am almost always this complex every day of my life.

I work on things daily, ask for forgiveness daily and try to simply love daily.
Who I am, is a work in progress, a journey, a life time of learning, and lose, gaining, sharing, and loving.
What I see daily is a mother, daughter, sister, girlfriend, lover, nurturer, and unapologetically a Christian.

90 Minutes in Heaven by Don Piper

2006-08-17T13:10:00.000-07:00

This book has surpassed the Purpose Driven Life.

I started to read this book a few months back and if I was a fast reader like my mom, I would have been done in a day.... but there is more to this then just the thickness of the book. After reading about the accident and his journey to Heaven each page forces you take in each word and with great detail of Don Piper, he explaines how Heaven looks, smells, the sounds, the people, and you'll soon find yourself sobbing that your not there.
After the first chapeter, I would come back to work and discuss it with Lonnie and the emotional attachment you feel towards Don Piper and it would end up taking me weeks to get from one chapter to another. My thoughts were filled of songs, sounds, and possible people you could see in Heaven.
I have heard that describing Heaven to humans is similar to what explaining the internet to an ant would be like. Incomprehensible.
This book really should have only taken me a few days to read, but I soaked up each page, filled my days with thoughts of Heaven, and held on tight for three weeks.

Elementary

2006-08-16T18:27:00.000-07:00

The best memories of elementary school were my friends. We played tether ball for ever, we chased boys into the girls bathroom and we laughed and laughed until one of us farted.

My best friend DeeDee Stout was the toughest girl in school and her and I were as thick as theives, we did everything together. We hung tight and when these narly cholas wanted to kick my ass, she was right there to take them on, granted she was 3 years younger then them, but she was tall,and had a mouth on her that would have made a truck driver blush. She was already 5'6 and was this beautiful black girl.She was very very intimidating. To watch these three 10th graders walk off without a word was pricless. No one had ever stood up for me like that, and no one has since.

My worst memory was when DeeDee and I thought we were going off to middle school together but she had to go to another school across town. Later on as 8th grade started, I was on the bus, on my way home and I looked in the back, and she was already sitting in the back..... She looked so sad. I was so excited to see her. We hugged and we talked and I found out she was pregnant and her mom wanted her to go to another school so she wouldnt have to deal with all the kids that she grew up with. I never saw her again. I think about her all the time and I have one momento from her.
In 6th grade we had to write a poem, her poem was wonderful. She gave it to me after that school year was over and I have kept it with me, and will forever. She ment the world to me.
My hope is someday we can find each other again.

Favorite Layout.....?

2006-08-10T11:11:00.000-07:00

Hmmm.... Do I have a favorite layout.... I really don't think so. I don't think I have created a layout yet that I thought, "this is the one!, this is my favorite!"
....just hasnt happened yet.
What I'm happy with? I'm happy with Kira's baby book (except for one 2 page layout that really should be redone) and a wedding album I did for a close freind... who one month later seperated from her new husband. lol.

My new favorite store

2006-08-08T09:48:00.000-07:00

Unfortunatley for me, this store is about two hours away.
It's in Tracy, Ca. and is down the road from Kira's dad's house.
When they moved from a small location to the new location, my knees hit the floor when I walked into this store. I could have been in there for two hours and not seen everything! Their class samples are beautiful, great kits if you can't make it to the class, and their prices are among the best I have come across.
My new new NEW addiction!
I'll be back on Friday!!
http://www.youngplaymemories.com/Home.html

a new happy place

2006-08-01T10:37:00.000-07:00

I so love this chic!
Heidi Swap makes me happy.
Off to share details with the girls @ PFT website

I can DREAM........................

2006-08-01T08:21:00.000-07:00

In my little world it would be nice to sleep in, wake up, take the kids to school, meet some friends for coffee and jot back home to clean, prepare dinner, pick up the kids from school, eat dinner, help with home work and spend time together.
Ok, since thats not my life, it's a dream. A pipe dream, but my dream.

I was on disability for 4 months due to my tendonitis on both elbows,about 7 years ago.
Being home, taking Kira to and from school was wonderful. So being at home for longer then 4 months might get old..... but I highly doubt it!

Another dream? Have you seen those little old couples in their bigass motor homes with their Jeep tied to the back of it??? traveling cross country with their little mini poodle all perched on the dashboard looking at the view in front of him?
Yep, thats what I want. I wanna be able to travel, relax and read magazines in a lawn chair outside of our bigass motor home parked on the Baja Coast, or Florida Keys, or by the Colorado River. Tod could fish, and I could relax.
So when you see those old couples traveling through your town, know that I am completely envious of those bastards!

a few of my favorite things

2006-07-27T23:39:00.000-07:00

favorite Movie: I think about all the movies that I have seen and there is still none that come close to my favorite pic, To Kill a Mocking Bird. When I watched it for the first time with my mom, we laughed, we cried, we were anxious and scared half to death. It's a brilliant movie and still moves me with the same emotions now as it did when I first watched it when I was a child.

Favorite musical artist: The winner is always Bob Marley. I would have given Tod's left nut to see him perform. He moves my soul and always will.
When Kira was 3 and in daycare, she had a really great daycare teacher that believed that music is an important part in human growth and discovery... and happiness... can you tell that I'm from Santa cruz?!?! ha! Anyway, when the kids would do art, she would turn on Bob Marley and immediately Kira was fascinated and quickly new all the songs. (My young child, with an old soul)

Most Favorite Friend: She makes me happy daily, and keeps me from driving off a cliff. She comforts me when no one can, and she hears me when I don't even make sense in my head. She never judges, she never lectures, she has never once hurt my feelings.she was raised with the same values and high morals. "Respect your elders, never hurt anyones feelings and always eat with your mouth closed!" (heheh!)
We always make sure there is no pressure, we can let ourselves off the hook if we need to skip out on getting together, we never hang up without saying "I love you."
We love each other unconditionally. Her name is Janice Mathis. She is funnier then Ellen Degenerous and whittier then Roseanne Barr. Her sense of humor kills me and each phone call brings me closer and closer to peeing my pants.
She has a heart of gold and would do anything for me, or my family. She has supported me when I needed it, and she has made fun of me when I'm an idiot!
She only deserves the best. She is extremely talented, smart, gifted and sweet, and she never gives herself enough credit, and is to modest!
She's exactly what a best friend should be. She's Thelma and I'm Louise!

Favorite Childhood Memory

2006-07-25T23:27:00.000-07:00

This is my mom and I as she is about to be married to my stepdad Steve.
He raised me from 2 till I was 16. I had a wonderful childhood and I have tons of great memories. I was the only child for 10 years, so I was pretty much spoiled rotten, even though we were hippies and didnt have a whole lot, I always felt like I had tons! My parents loved me, spoiled me, and took me on the greatest vacations ever. We camped, hiked, drove wherever and whenever.

My favorite childhood memory is when I woke up on Christmas morning, when I was 9 years old, and I saw my dream Barbie Van under the tree! I couldnt believe it!!
I was so thrilled to put the stickers on the van, and couldnt wait to get started. I got cool Diddo jeans, and some cool Nike shoes. My other all time favorite gift that Christmas was a tape recorder (that would soon bite me in the ass when Clifford Sandon heard me singing a song that I had recorded on that fine peice of equipment-I was completley mortified!!! he was my crush for many many years!!). My parents got me Pink Floyd, The Wall tape to play and I was in heaven!(I told you we were hippes!)
I sat in my room for about an hour and a half putting stickers on that Barbie van and listening to that tape as loud as I could get it. I soon, loaded up all my barbies and off to their far away camp they would go (the other side of my room)

My parents loved me, supported me, and gave me the greatest music to listen to ever.

MY NEW HAPPY PLACE

2006-05-31T11:01:00.000-07:00

http://www.thesarutgroup.com/index.php

sniffle

2006-05-23T09:44:00.000-07:00

So, it's time to leave MySpace. I'm done, I'm over it and I have never been at more peace with it, until now. I have met some wonderful friends, some great ladies and some great enemies. With the good, is always the bad, right? right! I knew that going into it. I'm tired of the freaks on MySpace, tired of women and their petty bullshit. Tired of people who love to cause shit, talk shit and are nothing but shit.

So it's time to move on.

(Layout done by Val)

Cold Nose, warm heart....er... maybe not....

2006-05-01T11:07:00.000-07:00

Peaches
Your cold little nose. Your cute little face. When I'm watching tv, I sometimes get a cold, wet, little nudge on my arm followed by silky smooth fur rubbing by....
You want to be loved, touched and played with, yet, when it goes on for to long, you turn and bit and run away. Your only kind to me, and that's never a for sure thing. You and Tod despise each other.

Your absolutley stunning, your beautiful fur, your pretty face and when people come over and see you rolling on your back and showing your cute, fuyy tummy, they just wanna reach down and pet you..... I have to jump in the middle before it's too late and they pull back a bloody arm!
Your mean, moody, and have your days when your mean....
But I love you no matter what.

Arent we all immigrants?

2006-05-01T09:59:00.000-07:00

So today is the major day for Mexican protestors, to demand their rights...
I'm completely confused on the issue, it just seems to me there would be a happy medium, but I'm probably wrong. Mexico depends on America's cash to support their economy. When workers are here they send hundreds and thousands of dollars back to their family in Mexico. In the long run, that works out to be billions of dollars that Mexico basis their economy on. Having a daughter who is part Mexican, I start to wonder who really have rights?
If I was not a citizen what would I do? Would I give up everything to make a better life in America? It's of course easy to say what we would do, since we truly are not living the life they have. I might very easily do anything to get across to a country that promised paved roads, jobs, food, education, clothing, medical, shelter and warmth for my family instead of being in a poverty stricken country, where all of those above are extremly hard to come by.

Altered life style

2006-04-28T14:08:00.000-07:00

Altered Comp book for Angi @ ESS.... I so LOVE that girl!

Lunch at Adobe

2006-04-27T13:09:00.000-07:00

A little over a month ago on a Friday management walked into our building and laidoff 6 management members from our location in Ca. It was heartbreaking. My direct manager was one that was let go, and I can only explain the pain and horror like a nightmare, one where your running to get help, or running to get away from something that's going to hurt you, and you can't run, or run fast enough, your heart is pounding and your emotion is pure terror. I felt like my mom had been ripped away from me. I adore this woman. She's smart, funny, witty, and so lovable its not even funny. When she started at our company and I had to interview her I knew she was the one. She would be the one to nurture me, love me, accept me and be my friend. I gave her the nickname of "boss lady" and soon after all followed suit. I miss her face each day, the sound of her voice, her laugh, the talks about work, family, friends, cats, and life. Well, that's the first part of the story, it gets better from here....
On Michele's way home from being laidoff, she got a call from her friend offering her a job at Adobe. She decided to at least get home and get her thoughts together. She gave herself three days and then excepted the job. (The first day at Adobe, her new job, she got a call on her cellphone from an HR manager to offer her a job with Cisco systems.... when I tell ya the lady is amazing, I'm not blowing smoke!)
She's been settled in there now and we have talked about having lunch, but we get busy at work, or she gets busy so we have had to put it off until today.

Let me just say, if all companies used Adobe as a model company in CA. it would so make paying the high mortgages and prices worth it here. It is great to be in Silicone Valley and have all these great companies surrounding you, like, Ebay, Google, Siemens, Apple, Microsoft, Earthlink and more.
The Adobe building is amazing, the decor is state of the art, with great architect designs and colors throughout each floor plan is unreal.
We had a great lunch in a mini cafeteria, since the LARGE one would have been very busy and we wanted to sit and chat in a calm setting. Great food, great tables, great view of the city.

On the way out, I stopped to use the restroom and was so tickled that the faucet turned on by itself... But wait, the soap dispenser dispensed soap without touching it! hmmmmmmmmmmm! Life is so nice in that building......
I'm now back in my 4 story building (which you can see from the airport by the way! ... Now I'm just trying to show off!) and I miss the Adobe plush elevator, the cool carpets, the fridge with drinks in it, the cool offices, and the great art.
I bow to you Adobe....we're not worthy. Hail to Silicone Valley!

Thelma & Louise

2006-04-27T08:10:00.000-07:00

Each year Janice and I plan a road trip. Each day we call and say, "can we leave yet?" Last time we made it to L.A. to shop in the garment district for fabric..... hmmmmmmmmmmm, it was pure heaven. Racks and racks of fabric, silks, all at really really good prices. We were entertained by my friend Mario who has lived in L.A. all his life and knows where to take us to make us happy. We spent the day at CityWalk at Universal Studios, up stairs in the BB King bar, listened to a great band.
Later we headed to King Taco's where Janice had her first Sope and wanted to be left alone to saver every bit.
We drove around with the top down on a warm night and looked at the city lights from his sisters house in the hills in Whittier.
The day we left, we made another stop by King Tacos' to bring Tod and Mark back Sope's since were good like that. :O)

Now it's that time to plan, map it out and get things lined up. Days off, stores to hit, hotels to stay at, snacks to bring..... sigh... CAN WE GO NOW??
This year we're planning a Thelma & Louise round robin kinda deal. We are mapping out fabric stores and scrapbook stores (since I have lured Janice into my sb web) to hit, from San Francisco to San Diego.... The other possibility is to drive East and out of our element and see what else is out there as far as shopping goes.

So let's get going, shall we?!

A plethra o' Rolodex cards

2006-04-27T07:53:00.000-07:00

Their completed and sent off! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!
I now awaite a package of 17 other ladies' Rolodex's to arrive and fill my Rolodex holder with colorful displays of paper, embellishments and photos.

Great swap

you and I

2006-04-26T15:15:00.000-07:00

I truly do not have strong enough words to express my love for this child.
I tell her daily how truly blessed I am. How the Lord knew exactly what my life needed. I thank him for giving me this child that I am able to love, raise, laugh with and squeeze till her eyes pop out!!!

She makes my heart happy, and will forever!

I miss you guys

2006-04-26T15:06:00.000-07:00

You have know idea how much I miss Meet The Barker's.
They made me laugh, they inspired me and most of all, they made me happy.
They made me happy to see how in love they are, how different they are, but this deep passion they have fo each other, and their family and friends.

sigh... you rock Travis.

Love ATC

2006-04-26T15:02:00.000-07:00

Made these for ESS group on MS a while back

I feel loved

2006-04-26T14:56:00.001-07:00

So KOKODEB made me this cool license plate from CKMB and I thought since I have been gone for such a long time no one remembered me... How nice of her to make this for me.

I'm lifted on a love high right now.

:O)

Justice

2006-04-25T09:06:00.000-07:00

Awwwww, sweet justice. I can't begin to explain how much praying and talking I have done about this issue. I was afraid she would continue to skate on by, no actions ever taken, no punishment, no responsibility at all......

The Lord is good, and so is the IRS! :o)
My honey got his remaining State check back from his taxes. He's now waiting on the Federal check and following that will be a childlike fit from the darkside I'm sure.

All I can do now is smile.
Justice is sweet.

Pinch my nipples.

2006-02-21T14:00:00.000-08:00

For anyone who reads my Blogs or knows me, knows this isn't a normal topic of mine.
It's not something I normally say, but since I'm being dry fucked, you might as well pinch my nipples. (Joke form a local comedian)

Have you ever felt like know matter what you do moraly correct or incorrect, you get yours in the end, while others do moraly incorrect things and they just skate by in life without being caught, accounted for, or even punished?
ahhhh.... well then you can relate.

Tax time this year was exciting for us since we had just purchased our home, so we had a small amount of interest we could write off. After 2 hours and over $300.00's later at the tax office, we found that the interest would work best under my honey's name and since we could both claim head of the household, since I have my child and he claims one of his, we were pretty much set to go. Between us both it was going to be a nice chunk of change. Enough to purcchase a new car for me and a new boat for him, plus have extra for the family and a sweet 16 party. (for one of the girls)

Two days later our tax prepairer called and said that the "child" my honey was trying to claim was already claimed on "someone" elses taxes. My honey knew exactly what that meant. It all made sense. Earlier, days before we went to get our taxes done the "child" asked my honey if he got his taxes done.... he answered no..... which then meant that the "child" reported back to the mom that no, the taxes werent done and the mom then filed both "kids" under her name.
In my honey's head I'm sure tons of things were racing around, even thought it was in their court papers that she claims one, and he claims the other, the real reason is that she feels that he (my honey) "owes" her a certain status of living.
It makes no difference to her that they have been divorced for over 6 years now, and she seperated herself from him and "her" kids as she had affairs and began to live as a single woman in another town..
she still thinks that if he lives one way, then she should too and it should be him to make that happen for her. If he got a new home, she should get more child support. If he has a new car, she should get more money. If we go on a vacation, she should get more money.... see the picture??
So she took it upon herself to claim both kids on her taxes. Which seems to be a comman thing I'm finding out. My friend who works for the IRS guided us in the right direction and let us know she will have to pay for what she's done and it will be heavy.
I have always said "ya never wanna piss of God and the IRS" and since the IRS is kinda like the mafia, they loooove their money and they don't like when skanks try and steal from them.
Now the only part is keeping my honey calm while we wait for the paperwork and for the system to do it's part.

As she gets out of her new jeep, to unlaod her new computer and her new excercize bike, its all I can do to keep him under control.
So, pinch my nipples the next time you fuck me.

Her Heart

2006-02-15T16:46:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time since I posted and time has passed and things have changed, some good and some sad.
We enjoy being in our new home. Our house is filled with love and laughter. Time is spent with the kids, basketball, school, school functions, work, fishing, scrapbooking, friends, get togethers, bbq's, shopping.

As I have started our family in one area, my other family is being tested.

My mom's health has become alarmingly frightning. Each day has been more difficult for her to deal with the pain. Lonnie came over in January & spoke to her about going to the doctors. Its not against God's will and God DOES use doctors for the good of his word. This planted the seed in her and later she made an appointment to see a new doctor that came HIGHLY refered to us.
Yesterday as we were waiting in the room for him to enter, it was like I was the mother and she was the scared little child. Her fear was that he would be made at her for the state of her health. In my mind I couldnt get it straight, no one was mad, only worried. Worried that this would some day shortly take her life. We needed help and we needed it right now.
His voice was soft, his words were kind and his heart was generous.
After testing her blodd,and her heart, we found she was now a diabetic, and has heart damage... somewhere down the line she suffered a mild heart attach that has caused poor circulation to her hands and feet causing them to swell. He gave her thyrpoid meds and high blood pressure meds and water pill meds. The visit was about two hours and after we were on our way to lunch... what to eat? chicken is always safe!
We had grilled chicken breast and grilled asparagas with pesto sauce. WONDERFUL. A wonderful Valentine's Day lunch with my mom, who was on her way... and my way to becoming healthy and strong. No more smoking for her, no more bad food for us and tons of prayers had been answered.
On my way home my eyes filled with huge tears as I thought back to how scared she was in the doctors room, waiting. She must have thought such horrible things and must have just felt so frightened. My heart broke for her, but it had to be done. Anymore time untreated would have ended my mom's life. Guarenteed.
So for Valentine's Day she got a perscription for a healthy heart.

I spoke to her today and she sounds a tad bit better, she sounds not as grogy as she has and she still has a sense of humor.
I apologized for ever making her feel like I bulldozed over her rights to have a voice. I never wanted my mom to feel like she couldnt tell me anything and I look back and feel that I had shushed her voice. I cried on the phone for causing that fear in the doctors room, the fear that she would be in trouble... I feel that is my doing. As I cried and she cried she wanted to make amends for earlier wrong doings. I would have no part of that! There would be no making amends, everything has happened for a reason. She is my mom and I have always been honored to have her as my mom and have always been proud of her.
She's an amazing mother, grandmother, friend, sister, daughter, wife. I truly dont know how I could make it a day without hearing her voice.
I know the Lord only gives you what you can handle, but at moments I think he has me confused with someone who is MUCH stonger then I.
I know the Lord has her heart in his hands and he will be the one to mend it. Just dont take it from me now. The Lord has given me this amazing women as a mother, to nuture me, love me, support me and I'm not done, I'm not done needing her love.

Jen

Times have changed

2005-09-15T12:22:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid and summer started, I would run outside at the butt crack of dawn and come back one time to pee or change clothes. I was then right back out till dark.
I was forced to eat dinner with my mom and dad and then right back out I went.
On the weekends starting Friday night's we would have parties. All my parents hippy friends woud come over. smoke drink play music. I learned fashion, slang, jokes, and manners from these parties and my parents.
See, in the 70's things were way different, no one was out to hurt kids, no one took themselves so fucken seriously and everyone helped each other.

When I was about ten, my mom and dad and I were on our way in our volkswagon bug to my grandma's house. We lived in Milpitas and she lived in Mt. View which is about a 15 to 20 minute drive. Well, we broke down as soon as we got on the freeway. We all stood out on the side of the road and the first car that saw us stopped and picked us up. Off we went to grandma's house, front door service. We had a friend in Miplitas get our car off the freeway, and before we made it home, our bug was already in our drive way.

Another time, we had gone to the college to see a light show that played Led Zepplin, because we were a good hippy family. On the way home, we stopped at a donut shop. We (the parentals) had coffee with friends, and talked. Then when it was time to leave we broke down, couldnt even get it out of the fricken driveway.
We had no idea what to do since it was about one in the morning.
The guy working in the donut shop came out and told me dad to laod up his family and friends and get his girl home safe. I stood their with my jaw dropped.... was this station wagon with cool wood panneling going to be our new ride? I loved it! I loved the room, I loved the different smell, since bugs have their own little weird German car smell.
I loved it all. We dropped off our friends and took it home. Got a good sleep, then the next morning my dad and I took it down the road to get detailed, washed and a full tank of gas. We returned it promptly the next morning after getting our wounded bug back home. The memory of that man's kindness still blows me away. He didnt judge us because we had big bell bottom pants and my dad looked JUST LIKE Robert Plant. He didnt judge our hippy friends with their long hair, and he didnt judge them for having me out so late. It was a family in need and this man out of the kindness of his heart gave us the keys to his station wagon to make sure we would get home safe. No money was exchanged, no pink slips, license, it was all done in trust. He trusted us that we would be back, he trusted us. It all worked out.
I still remember his face and his little pop belly with his dark hair comb over. His thick glasses. I wonder if I told him I loved that station wagon, for all it represented.

I wish I could take my daughter back in time so she could experiance what I was fortunate enough to experiance. I'm not saying my childhood was "perfect" because we had some creepy old men that lurked on our innocents, but all in all, friends, family, school, fights, good times, bad times, I would never ever ever change anything about it. It made me who I am today. I am weary of old men, HA!
I wish she could see how since I was raised around drugs and partying and good people, that that doesnt mean you will grow up to do drugs, be a loser, infact since I had all this around me all the time, I was the one in school who was the last to do drugs, the last to lose my virginity and the last to have a kid.
I was the one who didnt cave to peer pressure. Of course I was also the kid when the cops came to our elementary school to talk about drugs, I was the one who knew what everything on the table was.... but couldnt say so.... it wasnt a GOOD thing and no prizes were to be won if you knew the "Stuff" on the table. Like why should a ten year old girl know what Zig Zag's are for.

I was able to talk to my mom and dad about anything. I never felt like I couldnt talk to them, and for that I am eternaly grateful. When my friends were struggling with getting on the pill or smoking dop or dropping pills, they could only talk to their friends, which didn't always work in their favor.

Now I'm older and a child of my own. Somethings will never change. I will always worry about her, I should correct that. I actualy don't worry about her, I worry about other people. I tell her daily, I trust you, I just don't trust other people.
Times have changed and it's not for the good, so let's dance.

DRAMA FOR YOUR MOMMA

2005-09-13T12:25:00.000-07:00

Why? Why is there drama?
Some people loooooooove it.
I hate it. I hate the feeling of things unsettled, of people’s feelings getting hurt,miscommunications, lack of communication, holding a grudge and then being mad for no reason at all.
I have a few issues I need to work on, anger management towards stupid drivers is one, but for the love of God, stop the drama.

So, "immature one", I address you.
Take notes:
Stop looking for things to get freaked out about. Life is to short and complicated enough, stop asking for money, stop acting like your better then other people, stop pretending to be something you really aren’t. Stop acting like people care about what you think or have to say. Stop acting like your right and we're wrong, stop acting like your normal, stop lying to yourself and others. Stop your jealousy. Your jealous over what we have and what you DON’T HAVE. Your sick mind thinks that you deserve what we have, yet you have never worked for shit a day in your life. You have lied, stolen, and cheated to get nothing in the end.
JUST FUCKIN STOP ALREADY
In the end honey, you can't take it with you. Your jealousy and your pathetic rants will get you left behind and alone.
I truly believe you are looking for “a way out” and the only way you can do it is to leach off of us. Your family has had enough of you, and you can’t turn to leach off of them any longer, so where do you turn? You turn to us. All your anger, your jealous rage and pathetic rants have been lashed upon us. What will happen to you when you don’t win this one? Your running out of options, and even you, the pathetic skank that you are knows it's true.
You give single mothers a bad name and women in general a bad rap.
You’re the reason why men stay single. You’re the reason for Viagra.
You’re sick and foul, and your lies are pathetic. You are delusional and mentally unstable. You shouldn’t have kids let alone pets.

Your a Christian? Hah! So was SATAN!

This week

2005-09-02T08:40:00.000-07:00

The images from Katrina are devastating, heartbreaking, and Cyril.
Lives and families are destroyed. City's, towns, buildings, homes, are all destroyed.
Kira and I have boxes of clothes that we were going to sale at our local flea market, those items are now being boxed up and being sent to Red Cross.
Seeing women walking the streets with just their baby in their arms and a diaper bag crying, literally breaks my heart. I sob watching, worrying about this woman, wondering where she will go, who will help her, what trouble will come her way, where is the rest of her family. I toss and turn all night worried for this woman and her infant child. Where will they sleep, where will they get food. What will she do without diapers.
The looting in my fiance's defense is because they are starving and thirsty and have nothing. My defense, when your thirsty and starving and in NEED, we shouldn't see your ignorant ass running out of the Walmart with a walkman, a big screen tv and a vcr!
Where will they go, the people who have nothing? How do you start over when you only have the clothes on your back? How do you start over?
I guess that's to far ahead. How do you get out of a town where people are killing, shooting, raping, and stealing? How do you find safety?
How can we sit at home in the safety of our warm cozy beds with our full bellies and not be compelled to do something, How could you not want to help.
My co-worker's family are in MS. They have called to let him know they are trying to get back to see if there was anything left. His sisters home is gone, the two uncles homes are gone.
I can't even imagine. We don't have a plan, we don't have our things well organized, what would we grab as we were leaving town, what would we take with us. My crazy cat. Blankets, clothes, food, water. It' all so cyril as it was during 9/11. How do you get your mind around something that is so devastating? How?
Be safe and love each other.

I love this guy

2005-07-13T14:09:00.000-07:00

Tod and I @ Mt. Rose Lodge 2004

Happy Friday

Let me add one more thing!

2005-07-13T13:41:00.000-07:00

You know your "old" when your 11 yr old daughter can program your phone better then you. aurghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Every single time I get something "electronic" or when I discover a new thing on the computer there she is, marching her happy ass over and navigating around like she has done this all before! arughhhhhhhhhhhh this means I'm old, I'm old and nasty and want to get it like I did when I was younger and my mom would come to me and ask me how to turn on our 8 track! Yea! I SAID IT! WHAT!!?! AUGHHHH THE 70'S. LIFE WAS GOOD.
I have no idea how to download fancy things, I have no idea how to downlaod my picture on my blog so you see it by py profile. Sick, sick and wrong.
I hate getting old. But cheers to my smart baby! She can download a song on my phone faster then you can spit, she can create a webpage faster then you can sneeze!
She kills me!
xoxoxo

I let it die

2005-07-13T13:03:00.000-07:00

I did it, I didnt charge my battery so now my phone is dead. Half way to work I saw my phone only had one "bar" left of battery, life, the life line while Im commuting, while my daughter is with her dad, and I did this all to myself.
Hello? are you on??? can you hear me?? If I thought for a moment that I was important I would have turned my ass around and grabbed the charger. No worries, My girly is fine, and everyone else can call me on my desk phone or email me.
...... hellloooo???? why is it so quite?

2005-07-06T11:44:00.000-07:00

Why? Why can't I just give it up? The fries? The Coke? The Big Mac? Even after watching Super Size Me and I was totally grossed out, it has been only two weeks and I found myself today in the drive through of McD's ordering a number 1 with a coke! I have no spin! I am bad, bad, baaaaaaaaaaad! I am truly addicted. To the smell, the taste, the packaging. The Coke is always perfect, the right carbonation, the right syrup, and juuuust the right "ahhhhhhhhhhhh" every time! I suck!

Why can't I be here?

2005-06-30T12:34:00.000-07:00

In my new kitchen putting things away, organizing drawers and cupboards. Putting things in our new fridge. The smell of the new floor and the new appliances makes me smile. We have worked so hard to get to this point and I cant believe it's finally here. I'm finally unpacking boxes in our new home.

I'm here at work dreaming of being in the kitchen with boxes all around me, listening to good music and putting things away is my instant happy place. :O)

Life is good, and we are blessed.

She Found Her Spot

2005-06-15T14:28:00.000-07:00

She found her spot.
As she took her first call from a boy, she began to nestle down in the kitchen. Sitting on the cold tile with her hand pressing the phone close to her ear. As she sat there and talked to him I realized my daughter had moved on from being this young child with concerns only of her babies and cartoons, or play time, she now had feelings of butterflies in her tummy and constant thoughts of this boy. Her tone in her voice as she spoke to him was different. She was much softer and her words were calculated. Her laugh and giggles were honest and pure. To this boy on the other end of the phone, she is to him this funny, smart and attractive girl.

In her mother’s eyes though, she would always be those things.

2005-06-15T09:07:00.000-07:00

Good times

Missing u

2005-06-15T08:17:00.000-07:00

I miss watching you sleep while I driving you to the babysitters
I miss hearing, "Can you turn the heater up, I'm cold"
I miss your little body in the passenger seat
I miss lugging you out of the car and into the warm babysitters house
I miss hearing, "I love you mom, have a nice day"

I miss seeing your little face daily and hearing your sweet innocent laugh
You will be back in my arms in 3 months and I will hug you tight and keep you close to me.
I will once again be able to smell the shampoo you used in your hair when I hold you and feel your soft little hand as you hold my hand.
All will be good again.
For now, I miss u

2005-06-15T07:16:00.000-07:00

Missing u

Well here I am

2005-06-14T17:44:00.000-07:00

Is it bad to not be sooo computer literate, geeeesh, I made it this far didnt I?
uhm.. yea.... so how do I link a pic to this thing? ... hello? can you hear me?..... is this thing on?
The office is closed and I'm waiting for traffic to ease off before I peek my head out into the warm Ca. night to haul my butt home. 50 miles one way..... Thank the Lord I love music and alone time.
A never ending list of things to do sworm around in my head.

Call about our new mobile home
make dentist appointment
take my pant size seriously
look for new Nike walking shoes
save a buck for new things for the new casa
make Pep a mini scrapbook
put Bets' Uggs in the car to take back for a smaller size (last yrs x-mas gift....long story)

..... Not a bad list so far.... it's do'able.

Now the Un do able list....
List of things I would luv to have from Ikea
find the cheapest online scrapbook store and buy a few thinnnnnngs....hmmmmmm
take 2 classes ("I need a little class") at my lss (local sb store)
take a Friday off to go to the beach with the famdamily
sleep in Saturday morning till 10:30 am.... ha! now that one kills me! ;o)
and cuddle on the couch with Tod (I'm outta town for the summer & he is about 80 miles away)

Traffic should be letting up now.....
Time to hit the road!